Clarity
by Heartspin
Summary: This is a one-shot prequel to a fanfic I have dancing around in my head I am considering writing. Merlin watches Arthur die. Cursed to live on alone, as a mere shadow of who he once was he waits for Arthur's return. A/M


**Clarity**

It was only a moment of true clarity. Only a moment where Merlin, and he knew Arthur too, knew how they felt, and what they truly were to each other. Two sides to the same coin, they needed one another, and they would never stop needing one another. Years of passes, never picked up by the other, five years of spending days together, rarely apart, getting to know each other and each denying themselves that one freedom they wished for out of the need to fulfill their roles. It didn't need to be said aloud, as for the pure raw emotion floated in the air, grasping both of them, Merlin dared not name it out of fear of it disappearing.

He screamed as Arthur drifted, hand falling from where it had attempted to cup is head. There had been much to those last words, but Merlin wanted to push them away, refusing to accept this as the end. Arthurs "thank you" echoed around his head, making his eyes burn and chest twisted in agony.

"Arthur," his voice was horse, but he yelled again when seeing a glimmer of hope as the kings eyes flittered open, only to close seconds later.

Crying out in rage and pain, he struggled to lift the other in his heavy armor, legs shaking under the heavier man.

"But we haven't any horses," Arthurs weak voice echoed as if taunting him, and he fell back sobbing.

Furiously he threw his head to the sky, calling for that damn dragon. It was all he could do as he helplessly felt the life of great king Arthur slipping away right before him.

Deflating he slid out from under Arthur and leaned over them, pressing their foreheads together willing to feel the breath from the blond like he usually did blowing hotly across his cheeks. Gasping he sucked in and held air in his lungs despite the burn , a few tears running down his nose as he silently wondered if that was truly a small breath that ghosted over his lips or if it was his imagination. The roar of Kilgharrah made his head snap up so fast his neck cried in protest, but he didn't take notice as for his heart lifted in the hope of bringing Arthur to help.

"Please, oh great Dragon, I would not have called you again if I absolutely did not need to! Please, help me take Arthur to the lake! "His eyes threatened to spill more tears as the image of the lizard above him blurred, but hope blossomed within him as the dragon agreed to carry them, all thoughts focused on saving the others life.

The flew swiftly to the lake, Merlin's cheek pressed up to Arthurs trying to stop his thoughts from lingering on the warmth had already left the normally warm man beside him.

It didn't take long for them to land at the lakes edge, for the dragon to softly say that it was over.

"He can't be," Merlin felt desperation as he tried to find some reason, something to keep Arthur with him by his side. But all he could think about was how he didn't wish to loose the other man, how that blond with the cocky smile that somehow lifted spirits in the darkest of times, even Merlin's, could go. Like a candle simply snuffed out, without a second chance.

"He's my friend!" he shouted, not knowing what else to call him. It felt as if he was so much more than that, yet what more could he have been? He was Merlin's everything, his purpose, his breath to life. But he couldn't convey that to the lizard. So he just stared up broken to the other.

The dragons words of Arthur coming back were not lost to him, nor did he deny them. All he could do was sob as he inspected the face of the king, of the one he had served most loyally for five years in whatever situation no matter the consequences. His eyes were closed, and he could almost pass for sleeping save for the lack of pink to his normally sun kissed skin, and the paleness of his full lips. It was as if all that had been truly Arthur had left his side and left merely a shell in its wake, which made Merlin himself feel hollow.

It had taken quite a while for him to gather himself enough to settle the precious king onto the boat, too plain and unworthy of carrying someone so great. He took longer still as he stared down into that handsome face, almost willing it to smile one more time. But all happiness was lost to Arthur; there would never be another laugh or smile, or another snide remark. There would be no one to smack the raven haired boy upside the head, or be there for him when he was down. There was no more him left in that body, and Merlin gave a shaky breath as he forced himself to accept this, tears welling up once again in his eyes.

Pushing him off with a whisper of a spell, Merlin allowed himself to break down into another fit of sobs, feeling as if a great hole had burrowed its way into his heart. Merlin knew, he had lost the one thing he truly lived for. His soul mate was gone, and he was cursed to remain.

Finally Merlin made his way, stumbling up the shore, only glancing back to spy the faint smudge of what he knew to be his king disappearing into the mist of the kingdoms shores. He took Excalibur and thrust it to the lake, allowing it to go back to rest.

One foot in front of the other, slowly he picked up pace until he found himself running. He ran blindly into the woods, pushing harder as he felt his lungs burn and eventually his legs buckled unable to carry him any farther. The sun had begun to set when he finally collapsed, and he attempted to stand again, willing the pain of exerting himself in the strenuous activity to will away the pain of his aching heart. Cursing his legs and weakness he struggled to stand, demanding his legs pick him up. But they didn't listen to him, and not even magic could keep him going now.

He lay face down in the leaves, unable to sob any longer as he stared to the ground. The dragon's promise of Arthur return rung in his head, but it was too soon and he pushed the words away. Eventually wasn't now, someday wasn't soon enough. The hollowness inside himself laid a heavy blanket over his heart.

In surrender, he finally released himself to sleep, and he allowed himself to dream of Arthur. To remember all the times he and the other had goofed off, in their own endearing way, and he dreamt of all that the other did for him. He allowed himself to see the other in all his shining glory as he stood before Merlin not a care in the world.

He woke up far after the sun had rose and his ears burned with the heat but he only flipped over, staring blindingly at the blazing ball hoping to burn the image of a world without Arthur from his mind.

It was clearer to him now than ever. Arthur was his light, his exact opposite yet exactly what he needed. He was night and Arthur was day, holding the suns shining hope about him encasing him in almost what could be a wreath of light. He lay there until the moon had risen and sat up, remembering his last night with his precious other.

Clutching his now hollow chest, he breathed," what am I supposed to do?"

A sudden image of Arthur appeared in front of him, beautiful and strong as he always had, radiant and alive shining like the sun. Merlin knew somewhere deep down he was imagining this, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He needed this.

The king, not in his armor any longer but his lounging cloths, crossed his arms and frowned at Merlin like he always did when he disapproved of the sorcerers actions. For what it was worth it quirked the corner of Merlin's mouth.

"Don't sit here moping until you're back," Merlin said standing to look at the other, wiping his face dry of any remaining tears.

The king grinned like he did when the raven haired boy finally did something right for a change and Merlin felt his smile grow.

"I have lots to do, I suppose, until you come back."

The image nodded before spinning on his heel, only giving a slight wave without turning as he made off like it was any other day and he was simply off to do his kingly duties and expected Merlin to keep to his.

His heart dropped only slightly as did his smile before he forced dark thoughts away. His king would not want him moping around, simply sobbing until he came back. What a mess he would be, and unable to serve he dare say.

Turning is back to Avalon Merlin went to wait for the king to return. He would wait a thousand lifetimes if it only meant his light would come back into his life and give him purpose once again.

Ages passed and Merlin waited. People died, people lived, and life slowly began to continue on as normal, no longer seeming to care about the loss of Arthur. Roads were transformed from dirt to asphalt, and horse drawn carriages replaced with loud stinking cars.

Merlin trudged on along the side of the road as another one of those noisy buggies sputtered past him, though he no longer had the heart to be annoyed by them. He had lived too long, too lonely. There was none that could fill the void that Arthur once resided in. And even though the overwhelming sadness at his death had now passed, eased with the knowledge of his return, Merlin still felt the sharp pain in his heart every time he overlooked Avalon.

He walked about as an elderly man these days, dressed in dark blacks and blues, rarely caring for his appearance. It made it easier to go about life, as for if he stayed looking young people became more bothersome of him in that form. Many turned their noses up at him as he silently stalked around as an old man, though he didn't care as for he didn't live for anyone's approval but Arthurs, and he heard the sometimes sorry comments of how lost he looked.

And how lost he felt.

He had thought of traveling the globe years before, the thought that perhaps the wonder of other countries would rid him of anymore dark thoughts, yet he couldn't find it in him to leave the outskirts of the castle, permanently stuck on the opposite side of the lake as he wait , and he was unable to even go into Camelot for the pain in his chest had become overwhelming each time.

Merlin was lost, walking about always searching for the man whom could give him direction once more.

Nearing the small town that was now sitting only minutes from what was once known as home to the hurting sorcerer he walked until he reached the center, exhaustion the only thing bringing him to a resting point at a bench under a large clock in a square. Tired eyes only half surveyed his surroundings as he threw down his satchel-the only belongings of his being held within it as for his home was the road- and his heart skipped a beat causing him to come to full attention as his eyes suddenly snapped open to a person ahead of him.

Up ahead, by the fountain many would throw coins into, was a young man in a black t-shirt and jeans. His hair was like gold, and eyes pierced all around. In all this time Arthur Pendragon had not changed a day since Merlin last saw him-besides the fact he held more life in him now than ever.

Standing up he slowly walked to the boy who still had yet to see him. The other was looking annoyed, an expression that often graced his features in Merlin's presence and the raven haired ones heart throbbed in painful acceptance of it. Rubbing his chest he began to walk forward, trying desperately to call upon some sort of strength to get him to his king.

He was glancing down to a watch, and looking up to glare into the distance before a shout alerted them both.

"Arthur!" the boy spun around, to the yell of the woman running up with long black hair and pale skin, features as if drawn by the most talented of artists. Yet he paused at seeing the old man, hobbling over to them, hand on his heart.

Arthur felt something stir within him, something he was sure he had never felt in his entire life, and turned his full attention to the elderly one as the others breathing became more labored.

Morgana reached out and grabbed his arm to spin him around but Arthur wrenched from her grasp, for some reason drawn to the other his heart hammering in his chest as the man collapsed a few feet away from him.

Dashing to the others side, he grabbed the small boney man into his arms as he heard his sister scream.

"Call an ambulance Morgana, I think he is having a heart attack!"

The blond wasn't sure if he actually yelled the command, so caught up into the eyes of the other.

Chocking the other man attempted to speak but Arthur spoke over him with authority," Don't worry, we are going to get you help. You're going to be all right."

The white haired man grasped his hand and he clutched it back, squeezing it, feeling as if he could not lose this man though he was unsure why. He leaned down as the others words came out as a mere whisper.

"It wasn't goodbye after all. Thank you."

And that was when Merlin knew he could release his breath, and close his eyes to finally rest. His heart was so full, and he was so happy it twisted in excruciating pain robbing him of his breath. But he was overjoyed, as it had been long since he had felt anything. His purpose to live was here, holding him. And maybe, just maybe, they would get more time together this time.

His eyes rolled into the back of his head, and his world went black.

Authors note: OK so I have 0 talent for drama and whatnot but I just had to write this. At first I was going to write about the life Merlin had while waiting for Arthurs arrival, but I became too mopey and wanted to have him find Arthur. I have a little story in my head for an AU modern day fic between these two, which would be slash, but I just wanted to write this one-shot prequel to it first. Tell me what you think, as for I finally gathered up the courage to finish Merlin.

Since this is a one shot reviews are much welcomed.. this is also my very first Merlin fic, so I felt like I was stepping into very unknown waters. AGAIN REVIEWS ARE LOVED MUCH!

Ok I'll stop now thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed.


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